Happy October, readers and writers. It has been quite a long time since I’ve updated this blog. I’ve been neck-deep in work, including a few projects that I can’t talk about just yet. Rest assured, though, that they are fairly interesting, two of them being editing jobs for other writers and one involving some writing of my own. (I know, it’s hard to believe!) Unfortunately, it’s not just been good news that’s kept me out of commission since I last posted here. Heck, it’s not even the biggest reason. Rather, the most prominent reason for my absence is something I’ve discussed many times before: depression and anxiety.
I almost didn’t put this post up. For more than a week, I constantly came to it, wrote it, rewrote it, edited it, and left it, wondering if I should just ditch it for one of my typical “mea culpa” kind of updates. I kept asking myself if anyone would really care to hear about my depression and anxiety, if it’s something I should really discuss in this depth. Why drive it into the ground when I’ve talked about it before?
I know, though, that there are people who read this blog who do not feel that they can talk to anyone about their mental illness. They worry that they’ll be seen as incompetent, lazy, less of a person, even crazy. If anyone connected to work found out, they could miss out on promotions, much-needed overtime, new gigs or contracts, or lose their job altogether. Worse yet, what if people thought they were lying to get out of something or for the attention?
These are the people who need to see someone else talk openly about depression, anxiety, and other mental illness. Someone like me. They might be a regular reader or they might have just come across this one post by random, but if I can help someone else start to talk by discussing my own problems, then it’s worth whatever other people will think of me. Considering last week was #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek, it seems appropriate that I finally get around to letting you all know more of what’s going on with me.
I’ve made it no secret that I suffer from depression and anxiety. Why hide it? Like I’ve said in previous posts, depression and other mental illness are not uncommon among writers and other artists. It almost seems to be a prerequisite. That’s why it makes no sense for us to suffer through it alone. We already expect it of each other, why don’t we just own up to it and work through it together?
It’s not always so obvious to tell when someone’s struggling because mental illness doesn’t manifest in everyone the same way nor is it present 24/7. There are times when I am happy, when I can laugh, when I can feel, when I am just like everybody else, but there are also many, many times when thoughts creep in, especially when I’m alone, that other people would be disturbed by. I know I get disturbed by them if I look back on them in my better moments.
These thoughts are self-deprecating, needlessly guilt-ridden, and make me feel down, hopeless, and, often, worthless. I have to force myself to do even the things I enjoy and normally want to do. My fear of not completing projects sustains me through my work, and my fear of falling short of my own standards maintains the quality. Regardless, every little thing feels like dragging myself through quicksand while carrying fifty-pound weights. I have panic attacks, cry for no reason, and want crawl into a dark hole and never come out. No matter how often people praise me, something tells me that I’m no good. If I’m proud of myself for something, it usually doesn’t take long for that part of me to start saying that it doesn’t matter, that no one cares, that I need to stop because I’ll get a big head and get sloppy.
Suffice to say, it has gotten worse lately, to the point that I’ve had to admit it to my mother, the one person who knows when something’s going on with me. Of course, she could already tell that something was up. I’ve talked about it with my doctor, and we are adjusting my medication while I also look into a counselor.
While I’m doing better now, each day is still a struggle. Hopefully you’ll be hearing from me more often. There will be at least one more post this week about a recent release from a new author. I also have some articles and books that I’d love to share with you, so watch for more updates! I might even be able to share that news about one of my own short stories soon.
And please, if you’re wrestling with any issues from depression or other mental illnesses, seek help. I know how hard it is. For all that I say about mental illness, it took me a while to reveal how bad things had gotten. I was embarrassed and afraid and didn’t want anyone to worry about me. Trust me, I know how hard it is to work up the nerve, but please do. That is the only way you will get better.
And if you suspect that someone you know is going through a hard time, don’t wait for them to reach out first; check in on them. If nothing else, they will want to see that you care enough to ask if they are OK.
For a thorough list of mental health resources, including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the Crisis Text Line, please go to the National Institute of Mental Health.
Designed by Stephanie Hoogstad circa 2011
Thank you for this post, Stephanie. A doctor once told me that we should have anti-depressants in our drinking water. She said, “After all, out ancestors didn’t come here because they were happy people.”